“What if I fall?”
“But my darling, what if you fly?”
Nothing in life that is worth doing is easy. It’s something my dad told me when I was younger and the more I have grown the more I have learnt that it is true. It wasn’t easy for me to come back to university, but it was worth doing. It wasn’t easy for my mum to have chemotherapy, but it was worth it. It wasn’t easy for me to start eating again but every moment since then has been worth it. It won’t be easy for me to fully recover, but I am sure it will be worth it.
Let go then you say? Surely it’s the obvious answer. Of course it is. It is what I tell myself every time I am faced with a choice. The choice is always recovery, always a life without ED. Why then am I sat again and again talking the talk and not following through with a number on a scale.
I am scared.
I can tell and tell myself that it will be worth it. In fact I truly believe it will; but recovery from anorexia is not easy.
I am so much better than I was. In fact, I am a million miles from where I began and I am proud of what I have achieved. I am in my second year of university, I have friends and a family at home who I love and I have dreams. I have drive and I have goals but the one thing that is stopping me is myself. It is my eating disorder.
I am at the last stages of recovery. I told my therapist this is the hardest bit, to which she told me that I have said that at every stage. It is true though, every stage of recovery has it’s own trials and tribulations. Each stage is full of obstacles to over come.
At the moment, I know exactly where I want to go. I want to go full steam ahead into a life without Ed. I want a healthy body. I want to run, jump and feel strong. I want sparkle in my eyes, bounce in my hair and a spring in my step. I want boobs, periods and warm toes. I want a place at medical school.
This time next year, I will be waiting for replies to my application and I know that one of the biggest questions will be are you recovered? Will you pass occupation health? Could you handle it?
I know I could.
I have dealt with so much in the last 3 years that I know whatever life throws at me, no matter how desperate I may feel in a certain moment, I can always get through it.
However in the eyes of an admissions board, my recovery isn’t strong- yet.
I know exactly what I need to do.
I am living at the moment- 70%. I go out, I play netball, I dance, I drink, I eat for energy and I socialize. But I don’t want to live at 70%; I want 100%.
To do that I need to gain the last bit of weight- show my Ed once and for all that my body is simply a vessel to carry my mind. Sure I may not believe that all my friends won’t leave or that my life won’t fall apart, but there is so much to gain surely I have to try.
That is why I have to push through this last bit of recovery and truly fight for my freedom. The cage door is open and I’ve got one foot out but it’s time to truly emerge and take everything I want.
Cutting the final ties with my eating disorder is where the tactics get nasty. I could be so easily convinced that where I am now is perfectly ok. Trust me, sometimes the Ed cloud comes in and I believe this, but underneath there is always the rumble and burning fire of my undying desire for full recovery.
In 5 years time, will I be glad that I didn’t gain a few kilos to become healthy? Because it was hard and uncomfortable? Will I thank myself?
But will I thank myself if I push through the pain and struggles; gain the weight and can follow my dreams?
I most certainly will.
The thought of losing my future hurts deep in my heart. I know that it is a real possibility and it makes tears well in my eyes. I have the potential so I need to just go for it.
The only thing stopping me is the fear that I will fall.
But then again, what if I fly?